Hi... have we met?

I just got back from Narnia and to prove it, I brought back a Turkish Delight!

Who knew they actually made these? My mother in law brought one back from Florida. In all honesty, I was not a fan. My wife and I both read the books when we were little and I was expecting a lot more. It was kind of a jelly substance inside of some Cadbury chocolate. It left a very funny taste in my mouth afterward. I'm going to go and brush my teeth now...

I recently saw a very funny bathroom sign:

This is at a gas station/truck stop somewhere on Interstate 91 in Vermont a little south of White River Junction (if you REALLY want to look for it). I have felt like this before. Actually, this is how I feel right around 11:15 in the morning on work days when I get my lunch break. I pretty much walk into school every morning and start running. The 2 cups of coffee that I drink every morning in addition to the gallons of water really weigh on the bladder the first couple of hours of work and my back teeth are pretty much floating by lunchtime. Kids look at me strangely when I am holding myself and hopping up the hall, with my legs crossed, toward the bathroom, but I don't care... I make more money than they do.

Stuff...

I picked the world's smallest apple last weekend. Then, my 1 year-old immediately tried to grab it from me as I was taking a picture.




The same kid drew this:

I swear that this has not been altered at all. Look at that picture on the upside down magnadoodle and tell me that you don't see a side-view of a scarecrow or a cartoon character person of some sort. I told him to draw me a picture and a few scribbles later he showed me this. He is a genius...

Speaking of genius:

I miss Virginia. When I lived in Spotsylvania (REAL PLACE... Google map it if you don't believe me 22553) I passed this gas station on the way to work. I had to get a picture of their claim to have the best breakfast in town. I am an adventurous eater, but scrapple is something that I will never try (Google that too, while you're at it... never mind, I did it for you... click here... you're welcome), let alone a "scrapple mlet" (I'm guessing they mean scrapple melt... still sounds disgusting). This place is right across the street from a Hardee's, so all they need now is a Checkers to move in on the corner to complete a trifecta of awful food.

I am working in a very entertaining place now, though:

 

 How much do I love that there is a guy named Brian Dubie running for governor in the state that I teach?  It just kinda fits in with the whole hippie aesthetic that is already present in Vermont. I didn't know anything about this Dubie gentleman, so I went to his website and found out he is a REPUBLICAN... How can a guy with a name that sounds like he was a founding member of NORML be a republican?!? He would get so many more votes if he changed his campaign slogan to "Spark one up for reform with Dubie. Just don't pass to the left." Oh wait, that last part kinda fits as a conservative slogan...

QUICKIE!

Hey sports fans...
Regardless of your opinion of the Yankees, chances are you know the captain/shortstop's name. He is a celebrity, has dated Mariah Carey (not that it is something to brag about), has been an all star almost every season he has played, and has appeared as a spokesperson for so many different brands (Right Guard, Ford, Gatortade to name a few). The person who posted this classified ad to sell some baseball cards is clearly living under a rock: 

 

"Deter" Jeter sounds kinda like a butler if you ask me.

I spotted this guy at the Wal Mart in Saratoga Springs, NY. 

 

I apologize for the poor framing. My wife was driving by as I was trying to snap the picture. I will tell you that this pickup, with the Confederate flag in his back window, has New York license plates. I just get a kick out of the contradiction...

Getting something off my chest....

Ok... I feel compelled to comment.




Thank you Pastor Jones, for giving the Muslim world another reason to hate America. Thank you for your ignorance. Christianity is about loving thy neighbor and accepting others. My pastor just gave a sermon last Sunday that involved the praying for your enemy theme that I have heard repeated several times in different settings. You are a church representative and you have pissed all over those lessons. Also, by merely suggesting that burning the Quran as an idea to mark the anniversary of 9/11 (and to protest the building of the mosque two blocks from "GROUND ZERO") you have put the servicemen and women that are currently in Iraq and Afghanistan in just a little more danger than they are already in. One televised book burning that is beamed around the world could set off that one extremist that was maybe having second thoughts about strapping that bomb to his back and blowing himself up in a crowded area. Your hostility is misdirected. You should not indict an entire religion for the practice of a small percentage of the population. 9/11 was the work of extremist whose interpretation of the Quran is different from the mass majority. The pastor's bright idea doesn't surprise me, though. This country needs an overhaul in the tolerance department. I was standing in Subway the other day and some 16 year old shithead was commenting on Obama's plan to pull out of Iraq and more or less declare mission accomplished there (except without the banner). She said, "It doesn't matter because the goddammned towelheads are still going to bomb us," as if we weren't standing in a public place. I guess because there were nothing but white people around, she thought she wouldn't offend anyone. Wrong... I just walked in there wanting to "eat fresh," but I walked out of there wanting to slap a girl half my age in her ignorant mouth. I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that she probably heard it from her father or mother at home and didn't hate her so much anymore. The thing that resonates with me is the scene in the news reports of the US flag burnings that happened after the pastor went public with his plan. It makes me want to tell the people burning the flag that not all of us think that way. They shouldn't generalize Americans as Muslim hating Quran burners because not all of us feel that way about them. But, how can I say that when so many Americans already think all Muslims are "towelhead" building bombers?

For all of your impromptu gas station robbery needs...

Have you ever been short on money and spotted a good gas station to rob, but didn't have a gun? Well this place solved those problems by placing a guns and ammo store WITHIN their gas station:

Ingenious... They even have an archery option for those Robin Hood types. I'm more than willing to bet that the clerk is armed to the teeth, so exercise caution. 

I pass this place on the way to work everyday and laugh. This gas station is in southern Vermont and the first time I saw it, it made me realize that my friend (who is active in Vermont government) was right when he told me "There are two things that Vermonters love: their public school teachers and their firearms."  I am very happy to have some well armed citizens supporting me during union negotiations!

This is just splitting hairs, but don't people proofread before posting a sign in their restaurant's bathroom anymore?

Last week's trip up north... AND A MYSTERY IS SOLVED!

Last week I went to visit my family in northern New York. In my travels, naturally, my eye for life's subtleties (and my childish sense of humor) took over and I came back with some things to report...

My boys really dig animals, so we visited a couple of the area's nature themed attractions to entertain them. The first excursion was to the Robert Moses Nature center in Massena, NY. I saw the world's largest Paper Hornets' nest:

and met Stinky the Stinkpot turtle:

 

...clever.

You are probably as enthusiastic about this as I was. The kids were entertained, though, and that is all that matters. On the way back home, we stopped at Dairy Queen for ice cream. While the rest of the family was ordering food, I had the chance to flip through a local newspaper and spotted this gem:

This is such a confused advertisement. I have nothing against sex shops, but if you run one you have to know your target audience. There is nothing that says "I will not be getting laid tonight" more than this wizard (or is it a "warlock" because that makes more sense because it rhymes with Myke Hawk... and that guy has a funny name). Who are they trying to appeal to? Is it the 35 year old role playing game addict who is too busy playing WOW to have a girlfriend even if he did make a concerted effort to get rid of the man teets, shave his back, and treat his acne and find a girlfriend that didn't mind the fact that he still lives with his parents, has a strangely semi-incestuous relationship with his mother, and wears a Final Fantasy t-shirt in public? Because, if so; THAT guy needs a vibrating c*&k ring and a doubled ended dildo, stat! Plus, no one is ever going to buy Uncle Don's Exotic Interludes THE BOARD GAME because Uncle Don is not a name that you want in bed with you! 

The next stop in our tour of the nature centers of the area was The Wild Center in Tupper Lake, which was actually very worthwhile. They had interesting exhibits (including the moose before the first paragraph), some interesting plants: 

(I still don't understand this one)

weird gifts like these VERY expensive beads (before they were marked down because no one was buying them) made of recycled flip-flops:

(I still wouldn't pay 50 bucks for them)

and the strange water conserving toilets with flushing directions:

 

Ok, I get it. Press up for pee, and down for poop. But, what if I am being chased by the cops because I am under suspicion of drug possession and I have a large amount of cocaine to get rid of in a hurry, but I want to conserve water while I am doing it? Sure, the cocaine is in powder form and it is going to mix into the water nicely, but if I press the lever up, is that going to provide enough water pressure to dispose of the contraband before the police get to me? Or, should I just press down and risk wasting more water than necessary? 

Editor's Note: MYSTERY OF THE "NO JAKES" SIGN SOLVED!

Last posting I pondered a sign in Pownal, VT that I thought was the work of an insane person with a grudge against the Jakes of the world. I showed my father the same picture during my visit and he immediately asked me if the trailer in question is located at the bottom of an incline? I confirmed that it is and he deftly pointed out that this is not the work of a person low on their Thorazine intake, this is merely a person who is sick of hearing Jake Brakes  (on trucks with large diesel engines) being used on the way by their house. I was so disappointed... I was hoping it was a crazy person.

It's the little things that amuse me...

I've been driving back and forth to a linguistics class for the last week ("Why?" you ask. For the stipend, professional development points, and credits toward my next pay raise, of course!). During my second trip through Pownal, VT I noticed this sign:

I don't think that I have ever known anyone to develop such a strong aversion to a single name. Does this sign mean that ALL people that go by the name of "Jake" are to steer clear of this property? What about Jacob, Jacques, Jacobe, Jakov, or Jakub? Does that mean that if retired WWF wrestler Jake the Snake Roberts was passing through town on a promotional tour for his DVD and had to use a bathroom very badly; they would turn him away? Maybe I'll stop and ask tomorrow when I drive through.

Another amusing bit:

I noticed this ad in a local newspaper. Mercedes is a German car, dummy. Your car is about as American as Lederhosen.